ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND—This past Monday, HR instated a 24/7 guard to keep watch on the company refrigerators after a missing yogurt and ensuing investigation uncovered a ring of “dairy thieves” within the office. Some employees were put off by the cumbersome procedure of signing their lunches in and out of the fridges, but most feel the added security measures has given them much-needed peace of mind.
“There wasn’t much hesitation around the decision to bring the guards on,” said an HR representative. “After [what’s been termed] the Yogurt Incident had everyone questioning whether their food would be safe, we knew we had to do something to protect everyone’s lunch. There’s only so much Chipotle and Chinese our employees can eat before getting sick of take-out.”
The now infamous events that prompted these extreme measures started when Craig V. reported his Raspberry Siggi’s had gone missing. His upset led others to come forward with tales of their own suspiciously absent dairy products.
String cheese, snack packs, and other yogurts had been snatched before lunchtime—but it was the inconsistency that revealed a potentially deeper scandal.
“I can’t imagine anyone who would steal a Siggi’s would also steal a Chobani,” Craig noted with a derisive snort. “It’s a known fact that Siggi’s consumers over-index in brand loyalty.” His own self-proclaimed loyalty yielded a new theory in this probiotic perplexity: There must be more than one thief.
HR conducted interviews with all employees to see if they could pin down any potential suspects. While some were happy to cooperate, a few quickly grew defensive.
“I saw an account exec eating Yoplait last week. If she’ll eat that, I bet she’ll eat any yogurt,” insisted one witness, who asked to remain unnamed. Her speed in pointing the finger raised some red flags and she was detained for further questioning, but released when she produced a doctor’s note affirming she was lactose intolerant.
The public investigation into the Yogurt Incident continues, but HR has asked that HZ hold off on releasing any further details so as not to endanger potential leads. As for the employees’ nutritional well-being, rest assured that our refrigerators are in the most secure hands possible—but if you would like to take extra precautions, we suggest limiting your in-office dairy consumption, switching to oatmeal—and sticking close to your brand.
If anyone has any information regarding this case, please notify HR immediately.