ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND—Late last night, it was reported that a foreign substance contaminated the work environment at HZ.
The introduction of a new surprise flavor of K-cup, Caramel Vanilla Cream, has employees outraged and in some cases sickened. Some have even switched to tea as a result of this unauthorized, unwanted breach of the accepted flavor supply chain.
“Dark Magic, French Roast, Breakfast Blend, Donut Shop—everyone loves Donut Shop,” averred an employee who wishes to remain unnamed. “Those are the usual flavors we have. Even Decaf Breakfast Blend is an option we’re used to seeing—just a little joke to lift our spirits each morning.”
“It was just too sweet,” said an unnamed account executive. His revulsion was apparent as he declined to answer further questions because he was “too busy sending emails.”
A designer who claims she typically doesn’t drink flavored coffee, except for the “occasional Hazelnut, but strictly as an ‘afternoon-only’ pick-me-up,” said that she was enticed to try the new flavor. “I’m not sure why I felt compelled, but I just decided to give it a shot. If I had known it tasted like cough syrup, I never would have. Honestly, I feel duped.”
During a visit with her late this morning, her mug was still visibly full of the stuff. “I thought maybe using a candy cane stirrer would make it better,” she said wistfully. “It didn’t. But it looks so pretty.”
When asked for an outside opinion on Green Mountain Coffee’s new flavory flavor, rival bean counter Folgers commented: “We’ve been making coffee for 142 years, but never have we heard of such mass disgust at a competitor’s product.” The CEO of the coffee company asked an interesting question: “What would possess a company to do this to its employees?”
This question was presented to HR. “Our intention was really just to add some variety,” said a representative. “We knew the risk of rejection was high, but we had no idea the consequences would be so drastic.”
Upon hearing the news of one SEO analyst’s taste buds being destroyed by Caramel Vanilla Cream, HR stated, “No comment.”
The SEO analyst wanted to give her side of the story, and though it was difficult for her to speak, she managed to say, “It was a little watery, but I kind of liked it.” When we asked a local barista for guidance on her condition, he sounded hopeful: “It’s evident she is experiencing false-memory syndrome, but she should make a full recovery.”
Moving forward, HR did state that it will try to prevent future K-cup travesties such as this. When asked how, they suggested, “While we wouldn’t normally condone animal testing, it seems screening new flavors on Ginger the Dog is likely our best solution at the moment.”
Katie Vreeland is a junior copywriter. She's always looking for the bright side of life and is a serial purple skittle eater.