1. Stop it with the affected periods-after-every-word. Seriously.
I. Can’t. Even. …tell you how awful this clichéd punctuation is.
2. Write something nice—for yourself.
Don’t let picky clients kill your love of the language. Remember why you became a writer, and find a way every day to write something that pleases you.
3. Eat those scrumptious Cheez-Its farther away from my desk.
Crumbs and jammed keyboards are a sad excuse for typos.
4. Speaking of: Stop screaming “drop dead!” to the spelling and grammar check.
It’s rude and everyone in the office is starting to stare.
5. You won’t believe #5!!!
If you’re still writing clickbait, we kindly ask that you pursue a job opportunity in another industry. Any one, really. Just please stop writing—you give the rest of us a bad wrap.
6. Embrace the singularity of “they.”
A singular personal subject requires a singular personal pronoun, right? Not anymore. It’s time to step away from the obsession with number and accept the gender-neutral “they.” It’s how people (not writers) usually speak anyway. If anyone doesn’t like it, they’ll just have to get over it.
7. You get two cups of coffee a day, max!
Your hands are shaking like Uncle Tio from Breaking Bad—and the nifty way you turned that brand name into a pun only seems profound because your brain is buzzing in a sea of French Roast.
8. Know when tea is just tea, as it were.
It’s delicious—we get it. And you know what? The consumer gets it too. Trust us—not every product description needs to read like a B-rate Pablo Neruda poem.
9. Let sleeping memes lie.
By the time Bill in Marketing gets around to snooping on his daughter’s Snapchat, twerking/nae-naeing/dabbing/whatever has already become painfully uncool. If you’re going to be late to the party, consider attending a different party.
10. No more ellipsis...
Dot-dot-dope. Unless you’re working on a greeting card from the 1970s, don’t use them. No matter how witty the setup, no matter how powerful the punchline, stay away. Those little round buggers will only lead you to… failure.